Carpentry…

A transgender woman should never be a carpenter because they will never be able to get wood again!

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Fitting in…

It’s not quite eleven o’clock tonight. I spent the day after five thirty at the parking lot, and later the actual building, of the Santa Fe Opera House. There was a great group of people I hung out with, a lesbian group. To say I needed to unwind and let loose is somewhat of an understatement. I’ve had decidedly itchy skin for a week now. It’s stress induced. My dad has been ill and it won’t be long before he is no longer on this earth. I’ve known that for about a month now and it’s no easier now than when I first learned of the news. We are all okay with the news, we have made our peace, but it’s still shit ass news. It still sucks to deal with. I”m still losing my dad at the time when I finally felt like he was treating me like his daughter.

Melissa Ethridge, a bunch of lesbians, a good amount of champagne and Canadian whiskey. Now that makes a night! Makes one forget and just enjoy the time that is passing. I’ve been in Santa Fe now for four months or so. I didn’t start meeting friends until a couple months ago and for a few weeks of that I have been gone. So these friends are new. They don’t know me that well. They do know what I am dealing with.

There are places I have lived where I have felt comfortable. There are places where I have made good friends. There are places I’ve lived where I never made any friends. To be in a community where I am accepted, loved and allowed to be who I am in such short order is something I have always dreamed of. The appreciation and love for the people I have found is very true and very real; very needed.

Life isn’t easy, we all know that. It throws curve balls and sends you on wild goose chases all at the same time. Finding a place where you fit in is a blessing and necessity in life. It’s not exactly what I envisioned when I thought of what I wanted in a place to settle down. People have their quirks and baggage. People are not so glamorous as in your dreams(ie. Bo derek running on the beach is not here). But hear in Santa Fe, the ladies I have found are beautiful. They are the most gorgeous people anyone could hope to find.

I looked at the crowd tonight as we sat in the opera house parking lot, I was sipping champagne from my mason jar. People were talking, laughing, extending warm gestures. The sun was shining on us and the mountains were bathed with some of the most beautiful light I have ever witnessed. What I felt was a sense of family, of home, of peace. So thank you ladies. Thank you for inviting me in and accepting me. Thank you for supporting me in a time when my life seems more up in the air than ever, and more grounded than I could have dreamed in a time when I am anything but grounded.

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Priviledges of the cis gender…

Bet you never thought of most things on this list. If you identify as the physical gender you were born with, there are a host of privileges you have and don’t even know. Here is a good article and list that will get you thinking about how lucky you are in this regard.

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thoughts on male priviledge from the other side…

Here is an interesting article on male privilege from the opposite view point of mine. A few posts down I have a video where I discuss this topic. It leads me to ask the question, is male priviledge just a matter of perspective? I don’t share these views exactly. Some I do, some I don’t. It makes me think that more of how we are treated is in how we related to the world and demand to be treated. Interesting read, brings up interesting discussions.

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Classmates took very different paths…

Here is the link to my Op-Ed column in the Lewiston Sun-Journal.

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Reactions…

Here is a four minute monologue on reactions of people to my gender shift. Feel free to share this with anyone it may help!

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is being a man or woman easier? and other questions answered.

This video answers a set of questions revolving around the differences in males and females and my perspective on it. It’s a little more informal than the last video I posted as I didn’t memorize my script. I wanted to answer some questions that came to me as of late and didn’t want to wait too long to refine everything and memorize it. So, I hope you get something out of the content and forgive me for not refining it as much. :)

 

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A Lion, A Willie and a Saguaro

This is a monologue I wrote for Shattering the Silence in Alamogordo, NM. It was performed in February this year in conjunction with the V-Day events. In this monologue I talk about my gender shift journey. It is serious, funny and hopefully insightful.

 

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Hoffman on Tootsie roll (not Tootsie Rolls)

Hoffman on roll in Tootsie

 

 

The clip above has made, and is making, the rounds on the internet this morning. It deserves to be shared. Hoffmans insight on women as a man is no doubt profound. First of all, I am glad for the attention he has given to the subject. The rest of it is just sad for me. As a woman, why does it take a man to say this for us to understand how profound it is? In essence he is saying we as a society care more about the so called ‘good looking women’ than the ‘not so good looking women.’ I think this conversation has been going on for a long time now.

More than that, what hits me is how obvious and, in some ways, mundane this statement is to anyone who has questioned their gender seriously or has transitioned to the opposite gender. When Hoffman mentions that he only played the roll because he was believable and if he wasn’t able to do that he didn’t want the audience to have to suspend their belief to enjoy the movie, that is a line that I think gets lost.

I, and most every transgender person, has had to go through periods of transition where we knew we weren’t completely taken as the gender we wanted to be. We all had periods of knowing we were so far from believable and pretty that just getting to a state where we could slip by unnoticed in the night was welcome. Now, I’m lucky. I was able to have all the surgeries I wanted. My body transitioned well. Most of all, my physique is believable as female unlike many who are taller or larger or have faces that are ultra masculine and don’t have money to have proper surgery.

There are plenty of people in this world who never transition because they can’t be remotely believable. Unlike Hoffman, they have gender dysphoria and have to live their lives as a compromise and can never be themselves. There are also plenty of people, generous and kind and beautiful, who transition but never really fit totally as their chosen gender because they can’t obtain appropriate surgery or because they will never meet societies ideal of pretty. This bothers me. It bothers me that we as a society have such a hard time meeting people where they are.

The lines of gender are as mailable as a ball of silly putty. The lines of what is considered pretty are much more set in place. We all talk about accepting people, but it rarely happens in society. Do we have to find some man who is starting to get a basic understanding of the gender differences to help us in this area? Why can’t we as women effect the same type of change and conversation as Hoffman?

There is no doubt I am happy for the morning of conversation that Hoffman has incited among us. More than what he has sparked for a conversation, I am saddened by what that conversation is and the important pieces it leaves out.

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I’m a magician!

yes, I disappeared for a while. On purpose. I’m not really back to blogging yet, but wanted to let all know that I’m doing great. Now is “ME” time. I will start posting again about my reflections and experiences in the next couple months. For now, I’m just settling into my life and enjoying it for me. Thanks for understanding.  xoxo

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