Holidays seem to be a great time during a transition to get royally pissed off at people. People who deserve your pissed off-ed-ness. Yes, pissed off-ed-ness is a word. Unfortunately, in this situation there is no winning, all it does is suck.
One of my friends was caring enough to give me a heads up about a situation so I wouldn’t be caught off guard and find out about it later. Not being invited to a party with all your friends for a coming home celebration (for two of them.. one from an Afghanistan deployment another from a couple years in Germany working) isn’t exactly fun. Knowing ahead of time is better than finding out later, I think. The thing is, I’m the one left out and the person who is backstabbing and vindictive to me because she has issues is throwing the party and having the fun. I’m kind of caught in a catch 22 here.There is no way this can turn out good for me.
I will be home by myself (hopefully with whiskey) and she will be putting on a fake face and be telling lies about me to explain why I wasn’t invited so she doesn’t come off looking like the backstabbing bitch she is. I know a couple of my friends are aware of this, but they are still going and that just sucks more. I’m pretty sure no one will really stick up for my side of the story so as not to ruffle any feathers.
One can spout all the babble about building character, being the better person, karma’s a bitch and so on. The fact remains that I’ve done nothing wrong and end up on the outside slipping further away from friends. The problem with group dynamics is if a couple people in the group are uncomfortable around one person, it is the one person that gets ousted, not the couple of people. This results in the one person being distanced from all in the group, even the ones where the relationship is strong.
Over the weekend, I got passed over by another friend. A friend I’ve spent a lot of time with yet, lately, all I’ve been is a back-up plan. I rarely if ever get calls and I’m always the back-up or fit-in person.
It seems now is the time I’m noticing the changing dynamics of friends. People who have been supportive but never made time. People who have slowly started to drift off. There are many different scenarios but they all are headed the same way. Well, I’m done with all that shit. I’m either a friend and you can act like one or… go fuck yourself.
On the really positive side, I finally got up the gumption to let my grandfather know what’s been going on with me. After asking family when the right time to tell him and how to, then getting no suggestions, I wrote him a letter. My father was there when the letter arrive to help explain to him. Seems it went exceptionally well!! My family is incredible. They have all been super supportive and loving. It’s been about six months since I’ve seen or really been in contact with my grandfather and I’m very much looking forward to seeing him over the holidays. He’s 94 (I think!) and he’s dealing with the news amazingly well, even correcting himself when he uses my old name or the wrong pro-nouns.
So there is the good and bad of the holiday season.