The female bladder…

I’m learning about the female bladder. Much different than the male bladder. The shorter urethra certainly makes for control issues! I first noticed when I went to my cabin in the woods just over a week ago. I had a couple cups of coffee on the drive up and before I got into the boat to make my way across the pond to the cabin, I made sure to hike up my skirt and relive the processed coffee. That was all fine and dandy, but I didn’t expect that by the time I got the the cabin I would be full again. I was bringing in some heavier items and walking through some cold water and realized that it was the perfect time for my bladder to defy me! I’ve had that experience with cold ocean water as well while out walking on the beach and in the surf. Luckily, I’m gaining better understanding post surgery if not better control. I just have to pay more attention to it now than I ever have had to before.

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appreciation…

My brother has been so amazing throughout this journey. He has been a rock for me and a very appreciated advocate during and after surgeries. I wanted to show him how much I appreciated him and think I found the perfect gift for such an occasion. I am posting this so others in my situation can use this idea.

My brother is a very manly man. He grew up in Maine like me and is a woodsman on his off time for fun. I wanted something to recognize his importance during my chop chop. It must be hard to see that happening to someone when you would never let anyone close to your junk with a knife. So to foster his manliness and give him a fun game to play when taking a break from his lumberjacking I gave him a fine Swedish made competition throwing axe. Hopefully he doesn’t kill or injure himself!

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embarrasment…

It’s hard to embarrass me. It makes it that much more impressive that post surgery stuff I have to do has rendered me embarrassed as much as buying condoms when I was 15. Thanks to self-checkout lines, some of those feelings are able to be mitigated. You may wonder what exactly has made me feel this way. My shopping list has! I just feel like a whore purchasing multiple big containers of KY Jelly, feminine wipes, feminine powder, bacitracin tubes and a Coke Zero. Oh well!

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post surgery…

 

I thought they would take away my ability to do it after surgery, but I can still Poke people on Facebook!

 

 

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I have no other comment right now…

 

 

 

 

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packing…

As I finish my packing for “the big trip” I am struck by one point. Either the hormones are making me have the need to bring more crap with me on a trip or the fact I’m getting my johnson chopped off makes me want to pack more things that are comforting to me. Either way, I’m happy for Southwest Airlines baggage policy.

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good people…

The fact that someone is a good person does not directly translate to the fact that someone will be a good friend.

 

 

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last estrogen shot…

YEAH!!! and WHOA!!! Yeah because I had what should be my last injection of estrogen. Once I go through surgery, I need a much smaller dosage and can take it orally. No more getting out the syringe, wine and estradiol and slowly pushing a needle into my thigh every two week!! Whoa because…. holy crap it’s almost here!!!! I’m nervous and excited but most importantly, ready. very ready for this next step.

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respect the cock…

This post is for my dear brother. He loves his fine rum from Barbados. Usually he and I drink Mount Gay, but I felt it important to respect the cock at this point in my life, though my brother may not think I’m respecting it about now…

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veils of friendship…

This winter has been a rough one for me. I find myself finally being able to deal with and adjust to some new realities. It’s far from a quick process to make adjustments but the mere realization of what needs to be done and taking control over it helps significantly.

Although I have some wonderful friends here, I have no real close relationships or people I get together with frequently. The lack of the one or two people you can go to when you need a shoulder or more importantly, don’t wait for you to come to them, is difficult. Pairing that with my lack of general human contact makes for a lovely combination. Think of this, remove your roommate or spouse, remove your co-workers, remove the gym or exercise group contact and maybe you’ll start to get close. Most days the most contact I have is with a cashier. An average week has two or three quality contacts and one paid contact. My electrologist is my most consistent contact.

Save for just a few friends, their is a veil that has been placed between me and most of my friends since I started this transition. Where I used to hear from people a lot, less contact is had. Consistent contact has been replaced by much more intermittent gatherings. Some friends now only see me by themselves, no kids, no other friends, no random gathering invites. With that said, intimate and more personal situations are not there either. Dinner or drinks out replace hanging out on couches. Vague and overarching statements of support are expressed, but that does little to actually help. “I’m there for you.” is great to hear, but is usually wrapped in silent restrictions and lack of meaning.

Until a couple weeks ago, I felt the best way to deal with that was to hang out as much as I could with whoever was available to help fill time and be less lonely. What I found is that many of the situations actually had a lasting negative affect on me that enhanced my emotional turmoil, feelings of loneliness and made life just plain harder to deal with. I’m better off not being around, even a friend, if that person creates conflict, drama or needs lots of emotional help all the time. Those situations tend to have a severe affect on my emotional self. It often paralyzes me for days and zaps all my energy.

Before in life, if those situations occurred, I would be able to lean on someone else at some point to debrief, vent or just have a hug to recover. Now I don’t have that option and any reserves of energy are simply not there due to everything I’m going through in life now. Thus, avoiding those situations becomes so much more important to my stability. I had a conversation with one of the few actual friends I have that is still there for me as much as she can be. I explained that I think I’m gonna end up being a crazy old cat lady, just without the cats. The stability of that situation seems quite enticing right now.

Friendship has been acting as a veil over the reasons for my emotional low spots the past few months. Being able to see through that veil has helped shed light and bring a better state to my mind. As I said before, it doesn’t happen overnight but the knowledge and beginning of action gives at least a small sense of strength to help get through until a more stable place is reached. As hard as it is, I know the people and situations where the most stress is caused and I’m just not accepting that in my life. Despite loving and caring for a friend, if being with them affects me that much it’s better that I’m not around them unless they change. If that further means more time by myself, it’s still a better option than sending me into an emotional downward spiral.

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